Send More Flowers

Marriage is going out of style, so we should set some instructions down on paper

It is a season of renewal. Blooms are burying winter. Lent has yielded to Easter. Baseball is back. And it is the week of my 27^th wedding anniversary.

I am a sappy person who married well above my slot in the draft, so I annually, and publicly, note the milestone days of my most remarkable winning campaign: the day I met my future wife, the day we got engaged, and our anniversary. These are not merely demarcations of cosmic dates at the end of the last century, but celebrations that the family we created is still succeeding. Marriage is tough business, and none of us should take its durability for granted.

When my wife and I got married, 55 percent of American adults were married. The rate has eroded steadily since, to 46 percent. The married cohort’s collapse in our country is on the horizon, as the leakage is disproportionately coming from younger people. This behavior change is the root of our fertility problem and I know of no more dangerous warning sign for our society. When we got hitched in 1999 as 20-somethings, a majority of people in our age bracket were married. Today, just over one-third of people aged 25-34 are married – and cohabitation accounts for only a slice of that collapse.

This is not a column to moralize against cohabitation, but it is an argument in support of marriage. The statistics are with me. The Penn Wharton Budget Model, controlled for other societal and demographic factors to isolate the effects of marriage, shows married men and women both earn more money than their unmarried peers, cohabitating or not. Gallup data indicates married people report they are thriving at a 61 percent clip, while the percentages of single, divorced, and cohabitants who report thriving are all in the 40s.

The thriving advantage under wedlock is a work product and not a glow. So, what does it take to make marriage work? My answer is synched values, ongoing operational compromise, and a long lens to measure success. But what do I know? I have only been at this for 27 years.

My first inclination was to make this column an ode to my wife, who deserves it but would find it off-putting. So I decided to let more voices into The What For, to honor the institution itself and maybe spark reflection and celebration of other enduring marriages.

To mark our 27^th year, I sent a survey to 27 married men I respect, from all walks and stages of life, and filled my answers in as well. The replies came in anonymously. Here is the best of what we said:

What’s the grease – the action, attitude or approach – that makes it all work in your marriage?

• “Mutual respect – both being contributors financially, emotionally and spiritually.”

• “We genuinely enjoy each other’s company—and we make time for that.”

• “We trust each other on all the big things and we agree almost totally on what things are big. I am most aware of what we have when we talk about the big things.”

• “…spontaneous gestures in everyday moments that stoke the fire. A kiss as you walk in the door, a smack on the butt in the kitchen, an arm around your wife on the couch. My wife is essential to my life; she makes me laugh, she turns me on, she brings me joy!”

• “We are not in competition, except when it comes to board games. And grace, lots of grace.”

• “I would generally say shared love, admiration and true friendship. In my marriage I feel all of these things and genuinely feel lucky and blessed..”

• “Grace. Forgiveness. Drawing boundaries with family of origin.”

• “Putting your spouse’s interests above your own. Also, humor is crucial for us.”

I have a confession to make. Because I fear you will not stick with this column, I put the most important answer first. But there is no silver bullet and functioning marriage really is best cast as a work in progress – much like the interstate system in Atlanta. It is just never finished. Humility is the thing marriage teaches husbands, though some of us only learn it in small doses, so here is what we had to say about that.

What parts of your marriage are you getting better at over the last five years?

• “Not everything has to be a battle or something to be solved…ask engaging questions and let her clear her mind.”

• “We’re much better at showing up for each other – especially when things aren’t easy.”

• “Opening up and talking about things now, that I would never had as a young man.”

• “Not being afraid to argue or disagree. I think early on couples may choose the path of least resistance, and conflict avoidance just breeds resentment.”

• “I am better at focusing on our priorities as a couple and family, making the most of the present moment together, tuning out the Joneses.”

• “I used to blow off little things that I think are irrelevant but matter to her. I now try to knock those out. It’s a subtle way of showing respect because she knows my inclination. I’m still not good enough at it, but I’m better.”

• “Communication, including verbalizing my own feelings.”

• “I'm more patient about life and try to enjoy the small things every single day that we enjoy.”

• “Shared stories are funny, enjoy them; the telling of them is not to embarrass you. Stop taking yourself so seriously.”

• “We all know the things that drive our spouse crazy (in a bad way). I tend to say them less frequently than i did a few years ago.”

• “I’m not at all sure I’ve gotten better in the last five years. If I have, it would be that I don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Men are drones for the hive – and no amount of modern sociology will convince me differently. So I felt this survey would be incomplete without asking how the growth that can only come from marriage impacts the other spouse men all have – their jobs. All but one person who responded could relate.

How has what you do to make your marriage work positively impacted your vocation?

• “Watching my wife be much better at things than I am, and learning to defer, has helped me see areas where I should let others who are better at something step up at work.”

• “Setting goals together, both financial and family/life goals, created a purpose at work; it’s better to work with others in mind.”

• “Figuring out what makes your partner happy, what makes them mad, and how they want to be appreciated and acknowledged is important. This translates well to the work world.”

• “I am a better communicator through listening.”

• “Ha, I’m much more aware of my own sinfulness than I was before we got married.”

• “She is my rock I can always depend on…having that confidence in her and our relationship has enabled me to put focus into my profession and find the right balance which has improved our lives collectively for the better.”

• “…the ability to notice when coping mechanisms are at a breaking point, the ability to listen fully and to lend unwavering support is absolutely easier with my wife at my side. I try every day to extend this effort towards empathy and teamwork to other aspects of life”

• “Patience and listening have carried over into my work – but my wife might have a different view on how consistent I am with that at home.”

Marriage is not only an never-ending project, it also involves cul-de-sacs. I did not want to probe too deeply into problems, so I asked people to tell me about the intransigent difficulties that are unimportant. Unsurprisingly, some answers still peeked into bigger things. I have excluded a few bawdy – but funny - replies, and it is worth noting physical intimacy crept into a majority of returned surveys even though my questions did not probe it.